An IPL-like Chess Tournament

   Had a random thought about the game of Chess(an engaging game which requires brains) going fully commercial having an IPL-style tournament held every year. So this is what it would be.  It would be called "Parle-G Indian Grandmaster League"(IGL), with its logo as shown below ;)

So, what would this bizzare tournament be like?

  There would be eight teams(having probably 2 or 3 players each) and this is what the names of the teams would be:

• Chennai Super "KINGS".
• KINGS QUEENS Punjab 
• Kolkata KNIGHT Riders
• Royal BISHOPS Bangalore 
• Rajasthan ROOKies etc. etc. 

   Before and after each match, we would have Samir Kochar(who knows absolutely NOTHING about chess) giving his "expert" opinion about the game and each players moves. Navjot Sidhu would be there on that show belting out some chess related shaayari(after all such a tournament is incomplete without the Sidhuisms ;) ), which would be something like this:

"OH GURU, AANDHIYON MEI BHI CHIRAAGON KO JALA DETA HOON
 JISKO DETA HOON, USAY CHECK-MATE KAR DETA HOON

 OHH THOKKO TAALI
 KHADAACK "

"GAAY KABHI MAAS NAHIN KHAATI
 SHER KABHI GHAAS NAHIN KHAATA
 GHODA KABHI OONTH KO KHAAYE
 RAANI KABHI RAJA KO KHAAYE!!

 OHH THOKKO TAALI
 KHADAACK"

  Before and after this pre and post-match program, you will find 8 dancers: 4 of them dressed up as black pawns and 4 of them dressed up as white pawns doing the "jumping jhapaak" dance. :P Then during the match, you will find Ravi Shastri doing the commentary. This is how the match will look:

• When a player knocks the other player's pawn off: "This pawn will be crucial"
• When a player does the castling move: "And that was a Max-Bupa Castling move by the player, this could be a crucial move"
• When the game has reached a stage where both the players have similar chances of winning: "WE COULD BE IN FOR A CRACKER-JACK OF A GAME, ALL THREE RESULTS ARE POSSIBLE", "THIS GAME COULD GO DOWN TO THE WIRE"
• When a player takes his/her ROOK from one end of the chess board to the other end to either kill the opponent's piece or Check the king: "THAT WENT LIKE A TRACER BULLET"
• When a King has been checked: "THAT'S YES-BANK CHECK"
• When a bishop moves through a long stretch of the board and kills a queen: "HE FLASHED and HE FLASHED HARD, HE CAN NOW GO FOR THE FULL MONTY"
• When a pawn ends up knocking off a stronger piece like a Bishop or a Knight or a Queen: "NOW THAT'S A KARBONN KAMAAL KILL"
• When the opponent whose King has been checked, moves the King to a safer box to uncheck: "THAT'S JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED"  
• When a Queen finally Check-mates the King: "GONE FOR THE FULL MONTY, GAME OVER, WHITE HAS LOST"

  Apart from the Shastri-isms, you will find Archana Vijaya and Gaurav Kapur hovering around the players like vultures and trying to speak to the fallen pieces of each of the players. "Hey black Rook, how does it feel to be on Magnus Carlsen's side, what do you think are the chances of him winning?" Also, every time there is a Check or a piece being knocked off, you will find cheer-leaders dressed up as pawns(in the colours of the respective franchises) dancing to the IGL tune. :P This IGL will have loads of sponsors and this is what the chess-boards used in the games will look like:
     

So that's how the tournament will be. :P

  Then there is the Final match would be between Chennai Super KING Vishy Anand and Magnus Carlsen of Kolkata KNIGHT Riders with a generic closing ceremony, like that of the IPL, with PitBull dancing with people dressed up as Chess Pieces. :P :P

  Well, the IGL would be incomplete without some errrr....controversy. The game-fixing controversy. In the later seasons of this extravaganza, a player would be caught fixing games. Fixing a chess match?? How?? A bookie would pay the player for not moving his knight(which is at b1 or g1) till, say the 34th move and in the 35th move, move it to a box, at which it can be killed by a piece of the opponent. Guess, who is alleged to be the bookie? no prizes for guessing, it is Gurunath SHURVEERappan(owner of Chennai Super KINGS). :D :D He later changes his twitter/fb info from team owner of CSK to "Chess afficionado" and no prizes for guessing that, that player gets banned for life at the end of all this drama. The IGL goes on despite all this and at the end of it all, the Indian Chess contingent for the world tournaments has 6 players, three of whom are from CSK. ;)