In 1994, Sooraj Barjhatiya made a loud goody-two-shoes movie, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, which starred Salman Khan(yyeaaahhh bro *in Salman's accent*), Madhuri Dixit and Sanskaari Alok Nath. A movie in which the ridiculously colourful characters (much more colourful than the ones in Ram Leela) broke into song and dance at the drop of a hat. Then I thought, "what if somebody else directed it? say Ram Gopal Varma.".
So, I imagined Ram Gopal Varma making this movie and here is what it would have been if he made it.
Alok Nath is a Sanskaari underworld don. Guys, here Alok Nath doesn't have much to do, except that his gun-men take aashirwaad(blessings) from him before killing someone. Salman Khan is introduced in a scene in which he runs his Maruti 800 over 3 people on a foot path. Salman's family's Pomeranian (the Chetan Bhagat of dogs), Tuffy, is introduced in a sequence in which he is seen running towards Alok Nath, carrying Nath's pistol in his mouth. While in another scene, Madhuri is shown dancing to "rangeela re".
A few obnoxiouly boring scenes later, Monnishh Behl(salman's bhai) gets married to Renuka Shaane (Madhuri's deedee) as usual, with gun men surrounding the mandap. We see one close up at the pandit and one intense close-up each at Monnish Behl and Renuka Shaane's eyes, with aalaapish background music. During the shaadi, the moment Salman is seen flirting with Madhuri, the following plays in the background: "deewana deewana deewana deewana deewana..devar dewaaanaaaa.." (in the Govinda Govinda tune).
After some more boring scenes betwewn Salman and Madhuri in dark sepia tones and weird camera angles, this is what happens: Renuka Shaane dies and there is that intense music (with that sad bassy aalaap) in the bg, with some 70 close-ups on Renuka Shaane's dead face. Wondering what to do now, the family members decide to get Monnishh Behl married to Madhuri. Salman decides to speak up, but before anything happens, Alok Nath's gun-men point their guns (which have haldi and kumkum all over them) at Sallu, telling him to back off.
Soon, before Madhuri gets married to Monnish Behl, Tuffy pops in with the letter. When Tuffy enters the scene, the camera pans to him with intense close-ups in dark sepia tones from some 500 different angles and with that same intense bassy aalaapish music in the background. and the movie ends with Salman Khan's shaadi with Madhuri.
No comments:
Post a Comment